Adapted from Photo by Flickr User lampeduza

I have an idea that’s going to make us very rich. Have you ever breathed in polluted air and thought, “gee, I wish there were a large conglomerate that could privatize air!” Well, mister/misses, that large conglomerate could be us!

When I look at people walking around, I don’t see family members or contributors to society. I see large, green dollar signs above their heads. Yes, like a pioneer who discovered that first piece of gold in the California mountains, I see a source ready for us to mine.

The plan is simple. We just need to vacuum in a bunch of air into oxygen tanks with pictures of mountains and clouds slapped on them. Then we’ll fund a multi-million dollar marketing campaign to imply that normal oxygen is bad for your health. We’ll use real good stuff like TV spots with a serious-sounding announcer, “How can you let your children breathe away their futures?” Or like we’ll show hot ladies with big tits breathing in and out our air to the point of having orgasms.

Meanwhile, the real kicker is that the local governments won’t have enough money to dispute our marketing! Come on. You know you owe me a high five for that shit. They can’t do anything!

So what are we waiting for? Let’s package up some air, and let’s start making bajillions until the factories and 18-wheelers that build and ship our products actually do pollute the air. (Don’t worry, we’ll be dead by the time it gets too serious.)

In the meantime, I’m going to help my husband run his juice stand. It’s really a promising business, and I think I can help him finally focus on some areas he’s missing business expertise – like the fact that on Wednesdays he gives away free drinks…all day, no limitations.

So please pray for my sanity as I am now Katy Green, juicer and account for Mark’s Juice Shack in Woodland Hills.

Anyway, my Gutenberg Lampoon blog will be on suspension as well. This really is a great way to vent, so I’ll be blogging during my leave at http://theworldofkatygreen.blogspot.com. New post soon to come!

The mental abuse Query suffered last week was the last straw. I’ve never been this mad! Normally a session of scrap booking relieves my stress, but ooh I was so mad I found myself creating colorfully decorated death threats to my co-workers.

Today I thought I’d enact my revenge against my coworkers. As the manager here, I decided to remove the espresso machine from our new break room (formerly the Temps department.) I also googled some pranks to target Tom, who brought in an alligator to work, an alligator that scarred poor, little Query. I thought if they’re going to be rotten poo-poo heads, then I too will be a poo-poo head. : /

When I saw the looks on their face as the maintenance people removed the expresso machine, I felt on top of the freaking world like Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease. Finally, after years of being picked on and made fun of I wasn’t the pushover! I was the one people feared! Tom, as of three o’clock, was still trying to get his office supplies from the jello mold I put them in. muwahahah! >: )

The worse part of today was that some whistleblower decided to tell on me. Apparently, the espresso machine was part of a delicate contract between this company and the writer’s union. By having it removed, I cost the company a $75,000 fee… Mr. Gutenberg called and used very mean words to explain how disappointed he was with me : c So I was back in the supplies closet crying.

Even worse, since I had nullified the contract, the writing staff is threatening to strike. They are demanding a new contract, and better benefits. I know better than anyone in this office that our companies cannot afford this. I am so terrified that I’m going to lose my job, and that I’ll have to work at my husband’s stupid juice shake. I didn’t spend hours cracked out on Adderall in grad school to end up squeezing oranges all day!!!! I WON’T DO IT!!!

It’s already bad enough that I’m in deep doo doo over this espresso machine. I have to come clean to corporate about my prank on Tom. It’s better than someone else telling Mr. Gutenberg.

Well…there’s no guarantee I’ll have my job tomorrow… but if I do, see you at my next blog post. Hearts, hugs, and kitten kisses : /

First the staff purposefully took the word pet out of context. I had to fire off several memos that wild animals are not pets. Then I had to clarify that other humans can not be pets. And then I finally had to say that we’re limited to bringing only one animal.

Meanwhile, Query, dressed in his festive Pilgrim costume, hid in the corner. He was a little scarred after he was nearly swallowed by Tom’s “pet” Alligator. Well, Tom’ll be sorry when he’s paying for Query’s therapy sessions.

Why is this staff so cynical and full of smart asses? I just want them to have some fun, but their definition of fun involves me crying in the supplies closet. Well, when we come back from Thanksgiving break, they are going to meet a new Katy Green >: c

This staff needs to stop goofing around and get to making our audience happy with fun jokes. That and we need to figure out why there is a small ecosystem growing in the break room…

Hearts, kisses, and gum drops until next time : D

But this morning I got the best news ever! Pets are allowed in our offices : ) That means my cat Query will be able to nap in my corner as I work! : D

I’m bringing him in tomorrow!!! Everyone will get to see him before we head on Thanksgiving break. (Special surprise for my co-workers: he’ll be dressed as a little Pilgrim.)

Gutenberg,

The Company for Everyone

From: All Management

Date: 11/19/2010

Re: Company status

We are so happy to announce that we are building a more united organization from both teams at Gutenberg Lampoon and Gutenberg Global Solutions.

Sadly, there will be the need for some layoffs. You will be notified via mail if your job has been eliminated. However, all staff members will receive a “Welcome to GGS” pen and tote bag!

Please do not let the changes distract you during the transition. You will be expected to post your results as you always do. We know we can count on you until we don’t need you.

Thanks and continue the hard work!

I thought the rules were simple enough. You say your name, and then you reveal a fun fact about yourself. The staff here at Gutenberg Lampoon took it, mistakenly I hope, that I meant you say someone else’s name and reveal a rumor you heard about them.

The game got mean – real mean. Before I knew it, my little game had opened some dark secrets about the staff. I cried my eyes out as they talked about each other’s drug addiction and sex lives :”’ c

Not to mention the results of my game got back to HQ, and there’s a new policy banning fun games in the office. Furthermore, we’re all required to attend mandatory therapy sessions…to work out some stuff.

The meanest thing that was said was that my cat’s name, Query (because he so gosh darn curious), was dorky. It’s not dorky! It’s inventive and fun, and he certainly didn’t deserve to get a photoshop makeover. They drew a big wee-wee on his sleeping face :”’ c and then they posted it in the break room :””””””’c

Well, they seriously need to see the therapist to work out whatever makes them like drawing wee-wees on kitties. Ugh, well, despite all of this I still believe in the kindness that’s deep in the hearts of my coworkers.

And nobody worry about me or Query. We’re very happy; it’s the grumpy mcstupids in this office that you need to worry about!

Hearts and smiles until my next post <3 <3