A Killer Sense of Style
Edward Theodore “Ed” Gein
“Edward Theodore ‘Ed’ Gein (pronounced /ˈɡiːn/; August 27, 1906 – July 26, 1984) was an American murderer and grave robber. His crimes, which he committed around his hometown of Plainfield, Wisconsin, garnered widespread notoriety after authorities discovered Gein had exhumed corpses from local graveyards and fashioned trophies and keepsakes from their bones and skin.” -Wikipedia
or
“Ed Gein:
FASHIONISTO!”
–Travis Stuebing
Yeah, I get it.
Ed Gein did some heinous shit, he dug up corpses and even killed a couple himself. I’m not saying these weren’t bad things (they were) but let’s try and look past that for a second and see some silver lining. He was damn resourceful (and CREATIVE) he crafted some neat lil things out of skin (masks made of human faces, necklaces with human nipples attached and even a woman suit)
“I like where you’re going with this”
I can’t fault the guy too much, I too have had ideas that some people would call “Outlandish” or “Ew, gross”.
I’m gonna be real with you now, lay out a little bit of a sales pitch. When we’re in our 50’s a lot of our dearest celebrities (assuming life sustaining technology hasn’t made it impossible) will die.
I plan to dig their corpses up and fashion shoes out of their ex a-list flesh.
That’s right, I plan on making shoes out of their skin.
Something like this.
Can’t you just see it now? I’m walking down the street strutting my “Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s”, I see a hottie, I shout “EY BAYBAY, YOU SEE MY HOFFMANS? SEEMYHOFFMANS? SEYMOUR HOFFMANS?”
I’ve also implemented a tiered system with our “Family Ties” shoe line.
Have money? Are you a true savant of style? Treat yourself to some Alec Baldwins!
Not a LUXURY kind of guy? Do you enjoy the simple things? Get some Steven Baldwins.
Can’t afford much? Neither can he, settle with some Billy Baldwins…
Hate your kids? Buy them some Danny Baldwin’s.
Don’t worry ladies, I’m sure you’re wondering “Thanks Travis, what they hell are WE gonna get?”. Don’t worry my darlings, I might just able to shell out some fashion sense with some
STRAPLESS STREEPS
Ed Gein did always have a thing for the older broads.
He’d be proud.
November 30, 2009 at 9:49 pm | General | Comments
Patriotic Pitch of The Month
April 23rd, 1975
President Gerald Ford announces that America’s occupation of Vietnam has come to an end.
The war is over.
July 4th, 1975
President Gerald Ford announces that he will hosts the worlds biggest fireworks extravaganza in U.S. History, in an effort to boost the nations struggling morale. There will be a gala event held in Washington and all the troops returning from the war are invited to attend. For those that decline it will be broadcast across america for all to see.
But one thing goes wrong.
When the fireworks explode into the air all of the troops attending the gala or watching from their couches at home have violent flashbacks vietnam, what soon starts as a thrilling political drama soon turns into a George A. Romero “Night of the Living Dead” style bloodbath.
The title?
WRITERS/PRODUCERS/DIRECTORS WANTED
November 17, 2009 at 6:38 pm | General | Comments
The One about Jack
So something has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.
Often times when something is stolen someone will say, “Yo fool, I just got jacked” (This isn’t sterotypical in any way shape or form, that’s exactly how I say it when things are stolen from me). If that’s not your phrase of choice, take for instance the slang for masturbation… “Jackin’ Off”. For example, a good friend walks up to you and they’re like, “Hey bro, I’m gonna go jack off”. (Don’t look at me like that, it happens more than you think). There are many common phrases that have one way or another referenced “Jack”, but when you think about it is it just me or does this Jack guy kind of sound like an asshole? What with all the stealing of our shit and whackin our dicks off.
What an asshole.
The thing that concerns me is this: At what point down the line did everybody realize that Jack was kind of a dick? When did his assholish tendencies first arise? I can see it now, young Jack playing on the playground with his innocent classmates. Billy plays gleefully in the sand with his new shiny red firetruck. It’s a warm summer day… his vision strays as he watches a ladybug land on his adorable little hand. The bug flies away and Billy can’t help but smile. As he turns back around, he sees young Jack darting away from the sandbox with his red firetruck, giving Billy the middle finger.
Billy yells, “JACK YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!”
Billy, Age 6
The term “Jack Off”, as I mentioned earlier, is obvious slang for Masturbation (which is awesome).
I find it very surprising that our antagonist has been so cleverly connected to a GOOD thing.
Let’s flash forward from our playground incident. Jack is in college (He’s probably well on his way towards a bachelor’s degree in Douchebaggery) and he’s going to parties, mingling. I can see it now, a group of bros are having a brolloquy (see: Colloquy) when Jack bursts into the circle, starts grabbing dicks left and right, and BLAMMO… becomes the guy who thinks it’s hilarious to do homoerotic things at parties.
“WHEN I WAS RUBBIN YOUR DICK YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN YOUR FACE”
We can assume somewhere down the line Jack did it to the wrong guy (and when I say “the wrong guy” I mean someone who probably enjoyed getting their jollies rocked). After that Jack had some thinking to do, and after a few more awkward encounters and some heavy soul searching, the positive connotation stuck.
Alas ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack!” you can say “SHUT UP YOU DOPEY BITCH!” Then they they’ll piss themselves because, unlike US… THEY “don’t know Jack.”
Wait…
One last thing… can someone explain to me where the term “Jackass” came from?
Never mind, I don’t want to know.