Gutenberg Lampoon » Mike Tobias

The reviews after Apple’s announce­ment of the iPad have been meh. No one’s really impressed; Twit­ter was full of peo­ple mock­ing the device with the moniker #iTa­m­pon. I just don’t think this device has reached the same level as Jobs other announce­ments (read: he was the voice of God announc­ing his only begot­ten son, the iPhone.)

There are a lot of words like “mag­i­cal” and “rev­o­lu­tion­ary” that don’t match up with the real descrip­tion of the device, “an iPhone for peo­ple who are inse­cure about their penis size.”

Regard­less of the mediocre recep­tion, Apple and Jobs will work to make you love this prod­uct. You’ll try to resist the iPad. “I don’t need to pay $500 for a Kin­dle on crack.” Then one of your friends will pur­chase — most likely an Apple fan­boy. You’ll hear, “Oh my god, I know the $500 seems steep, but this thing pays for itself in no time.”

You know how they’ll jus­tify it? My bet is iBooks. Yes, Steve Jobs announced that this device will be the per­fect com­pan­ion to all book nerds, giv­ing them great read­abil­ity of their favorite books which will be down­load­able from their new eBook store. “Yeah, I used to spend like so much money on books and mag­a­zines, but they are so much cheaper with the iPad. I’m really sav­ing a ton of money!”

It gets in your head. You try to read a paper­back, but blast it’s so thick in your hands. An iPad would be much eas­ier to han­dle. Barnes and Noble is sud­denly too far away, and you don’t really feel like deal­ing with their staff of over­weight, middle-aged book nerds. If you do make it out there, you notice that Mal­colm Gladwell’s new book is 30 bucks in hard­cover. Damn, it’s only $10 on iTunes.

Your nights are then ter­ror­ized by Steve Jobs’ float­ing head. “Mag­i­cal!” he says before paus­ing a moment for a col­or­ful, spin­ning beach­ball. “Rev­o­lu­tion­ary,” he continues.

But you’re stub­born. You will not give into what is hyped up and hip. You go iPad-less despite more and more friends pur­chas­ing the device.

Your paper­back gives you a paper­cut! “Damn! If only I had an iPad,” you con­cede. Ooh, it stings. Your fin­ger stings as you think about the empty void in your life.

You con­sider the Kin­dle, but you feel like it’s just the Zune of the tablet/e-reader mar­ket. Noth­ing will com­pare to the iPad. “Game changer!” Steve Jobs screams in your nightmares!

And sud­denly, around June, one year later, you give in. You spend $500 for the 16GB ver­sion. Finally, you have joined a bet­ter class of peo­ple, iPad own­ers. You’re so cool. Peo­ple envy your device as you browse the web on your touch­screen tablet. Life is a breeze with all those apps help­ing you! There is noth­ing that can ruin your joy…

“Today, Apple announces the 32GB iPad will cost only $400 and come with new features!”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!