My Life Is Not Interesting Enough To Be Phished
I got a fake email from UPS, phishing for my info. Had I been a businessman or someone with money in general, I’d probably would’ve been a key target for this spam e-mail.
I’m not… and that’s sad. I don’t have enough going on in my life where a spam e-mail would appeal to me. My inbox is only filled with Urban Outfitters deals and a newsletter on cats. Friends don’t even e-mail me. It’s just a wasteland where human interaction was once possible, like a mini mall with empty shops.
So right now the only spam getting my attention are the ones about my male parts and making them bigger and manlier. Those still interest me.
February 3, 2010 at 6:08 pm | Uncategorized | Comments
The iPad Commands Your Awe and Respect!
The reviews after Apple’s announcement of the iPad have been meh. No one’s really impressed; Twitter was full of people mocking the device with the moniker #iTampon. I just don’t think this device has reached the same level as Jobs other announcements (read: he was the voice of God announcing his only begotten son, the iPhone.)
There are a lot of words like “magical” and “revolutionary” that don’t match up with the real description of the device, “an iPhone for people who are insecure about their penis size.”
Regardless of the mediocre reception, Apple and Jobs will work to make you love this product. You’ll try to resist the iPad. “I don’t need to pay $500 for a Kindle on crack.” Then one of your friends will purchase — most likely an Apple fanboy. You’ll hear, “Oh my god, I know the $500 seems steep, but this thing pays for itself in no time.”
You know how they’ll justify it? My bet is iBooks. Yes, Steve Jobs announced that this device will be the perfect companion to all book nerds, giving them great readability of their favorite books which will be downloadable from their new eBook store. “Yeah, I used to spend like so much money on books and magazines, but they are so much cheaper with the iPad. I’m really saving a ton of money!”
It gets in your head. You try to read a paperback, but blast it’s so thick in your hands. An iPad would be much easier to handle. Barnes and Noble is suddenly too far away, and you don’t really feel like dealing with their staff of overweight, middle-aged book nerds. If you do make it out there, you notice that Malcolm Gladwell’s new book is 30 bucks in hardcover. Damn, it’s only $10 on iTunes.
Your nights are then terrorized by Steve Jobs’ floating head. “Magical!” he says before pausing a moment for a colorful, spinning beachball. “Revolutionary,” he continues.
But you’re stubborn. You will not give into what is hyped up and hip. You go iPad-less despite more and more friends purchasing the device.
Your paperback gives you a papercut! “Damn! If only I had an iPad,” you concede. Ooh, it stings. Your finger stings as you think about the empty void in your life.
You consider the Kindle, but you feel like it’s just the Zune of the tablet/e-reader market. Nothing will compare to the iPad. “Game changer!” Steve Jobs screams in your nightmares!
And suddenly, around June, one year later, you give in. You spend $500 for the 16GB version. Finally, you have joined a better class of people, iPad owners. You’re so cool. People envy your device as you browse the web on your touchscreen tablet. Life is a breeze with all those apps helping you! There is nothing that can ruin your joy…
“Today, Apple announces the 32GB iPad will cost only $400 and come with new features!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
January 28, 2010 at 11:15 pm | Apple | Comments
Steve Jobs: Apple Tablet Will Be The Most Important Thing I’ve Ever Done
Well, he kinda said that. TechCrunch isn’t entirely sure of his exact words, but they’ve heard from various Apple insiders that Steve Jobs is very excited about the rumored Apple Tablet. You know, insiders who heard from friends who heard from his wife who heard from his brother… Hopefully this isn’t like that game of telephone and it turns out Steve Jobs said, “This apple pie is the best dessert I’ve ever done!”
If the rumors are true, this tablet may dramatically change the way people spend their money on pretentious products. Because all the Apple fanboys, who already own an iPhone and Macbook, are going to justify buying a product that is essentially the freaking iPhone and Macbook combined. They’ll say, “But Steve Jobs says it’s the important thing he’s ever thing he’s ever done.” Yeah, exactly. Right before he screamed cha-ching! and danced on his kitchen table.
January 25, 2010 at 4:45 pm | Apple | Comments
Google Nexus One
Yesterday the hullabaloo was all about the new Google mobile device, Nexus One. It was atop the headlines of Huffington Post and New York Times, Mashable, and in the blogosphere and Twitter in general. This is a great deal of hype for a phone, which is now the latest contender against Apple’s iPhone.
It just makes me imagine the cell phone industry is now a 1970s Samurai film, where iPhone sits atop a tall mountain. Challengers come from different villages to showdown with the iPhone. They have clever tricks like slider keyboards and wireless charging, but ultimately the iPhone cuts them down by having multi-touch and a unmatchable app library.
And for all this talk about a great phone, I still have a Motoral RAZR. Not because I like the piece of shit, but because I’m a broke graduate. Its features are it can dial and it has a screen.My 9 key has stopped working, so I can only call friends who were already in my address book, friends whose phone numbers don’t include the number 9, and if I’m being murdered I have to hope that blank-1–1 will get me someone.
Even if I did have the money, I’m not sure I would invest in a fancy phone like the Nexus One or iPhone. I might just get another simple device. There’s something scary about someone having the ability to reach me via 6 different ways:phone, text, email, Twitter, Fbook, and a clever pigeon with a note on its leg. If you have a smartphone you’re guaranteed to be contacted by the former 5, and sometimes it’s better to have less ways for the assholes in my life to reach me.
January 6, 2010 at 12:58 pm | Google, iPhone | Comments
As Rumors Swirl Around Apple’s Tablet Computer…
I realize that it’s going to be another Apple product I can’t afford, but will want to buy. That’s their thing, isn’t it? Tempting me to purchase something way higher than its value just cause it’ll get me brownie points with hipsters and tech geeks (both of whom I am eager to please — fashionably and sexually.)
The tech blogosphere has been buzzing about the potential name for the tablet. Names like iSlate and iGuide are the top contenders, but I would like to submit my own name. On a guess that the product will be expensive and delicate I nominate the name iBroke. It’s got two meanings, my friends. iBroke, cause you just dished out $2,000+ for their tablet, and iBroke because you’ll probably drop it and crack the screen.
OMG I WANT ONE SO BAD!!! PLEASE, PLEASE SOMEONE LET ME PROSTITUTE MY BODY TO YOU SO I CAN AFFORD ONE OF THESE THINGS AND MAKE MYSELF FEEL LIKE THERE IS A PURPOSE TO MY LIFE OMG OMG OMG I WILL RUN DRUGS ACROSS THE BORDER!!! OMG OMG SOMEONE PUT DRUGS IN MY BUTT SO I CAN HAVE ONE!!!
Ahem, I guess I already have an iTouch, which will be like the iPod Shuffle compared to this tablet. But it’s all I can afford, so sigh, Steve Jobs will have to wait a little while before I offer him a 10th of my salary.
[source]
Also here’s a video of people rapping about Apple.
December 29, 2009 at 11:45 am | Apple | Comments
Sorry, Guys, Google Isn’t That Private With Your Searches for Freaky Porn
Yup, CEO Eric Schmidt basically said he doesn’t care about how private your searches are… Google has the practice of saving your searches in case the government needs access to them under the Patriot Act. So when you search things like “bondage photos” or “hairy vaginas,” the US government could hypothetically have access to that information.
As can hackers, meaning there could be a hacker who knows about all your nasty searches, pervs. Oh yes, he could be skimming through your searches, judging you, looking at the same porn you might have seen.
And now a big cheese at Firefox, a company majorly financed by Google, is suggesting you use competitor Bing. Ohhh, take that Eric Schmidt! Browser guy just p-owned search engine guy, what what!
In reality, there is a danger. MSNBC — or one of those news networks, fyi Gutenberg Lampoon is not meant to be known for accuracy — found out vital information of a few people, just based on their searches. This is probably a good lesson to those of you that seach “My name is ____________, and I live 2020 Westbrook, my daughter’s name is Suzie, and I am not home between 10AM — 5PM everyday.” Just saying.
[via — Mashable]
December 11, 2009 at 1:31 pm | Google | Comments
AT&T CEO Wants iPhone Users to Limit Usage… WTF?
The Wall Street Journal released a statistic that 3% of AT&T’s customer base are data hogs, using at smacking 40% of the total bandwidth. This has AT&T CEO Ralph de la Vega looking for a new incentive-based system to curtail the 3% from using so much data.
Wait… so you let me purchase a device, exclusive to you, that has the ability to browse the internet anywhere on your network, but then you don’t have the bandwidth to support a nationwide use of the device? So instead of developing, you’re going to limit people? Vega, you be trippin!
AT&T’s new commercials should go, “Verizon is wrong! We have great 3G coverage! Unless too many people overuse it… join now so you can over-stuff the network even more?”
Well we can hope for is an app that can help iPhone users consume less. It can be called “Lube Up for Ralph de la Vega.”
[Via — Mashable]
December 9, 2009 at 3:01 pm | iPhone | Comments
RE: James Lipton Sexting Ad
James Litpon is in a new LG ad (below), where he tells a teenager, who is in the midst of sexting his gf, that he should “give it a ponder” before sending her a pic of his junk. After the kid realizes that his girlfriend loves Twit Pic, he decides that it isn’t a great idea.
Thanks, James Lipton, holder of wisdom! You have taught me that sexting is not always the most brilliant idea… or is it?
I mean, sure, it’s a bad idea for teens. One sexted pic from Suzie could land pre-pubescent Jimmy in prison, but me, an adult, I say share the wealth!
My junk is my money maker! If I’m not sexting pics of it to the world, I’m losing dinero. Why stop at Twit Pics? I need a full website dedicted to my sausage. I need business cards I could just leave at Starbucks. Maybe some product placement in an upcoming film, like Iron Man 2 (It could have its own armor.)
Luckily, I’ve got the best penis PR firm (heh, firm) on the planet. These guys have created the best viral marketing campaign involving billboards. Dozen of people will pass billboards reading “Is it in you?” And that’s it! They’ go, “Is what in me?” And when I’m doing some chick I just met in bar, I’ll whisper “yes,” and like the freaking ending of Unusual Suspects, she’ll be all like, Whoa! That’s some good marketing. And then I don’t pull out, and boom she’s got a baby. Not just any baby, a Mike Tobias baby that will market for me.
Marketing win!
Now excuse me while I got text pics of my junk to my address book and Facebook friends.
December 3, 2009 at 6:42 pm | Uncategorized | Comments
I’m Going to Blame These iPhone Apps for the Fact I’m Not Getting Laid
…not the fact that I spend 17 hours a day working on this blog.
They’re called ‘Stud or Dud’ and ‘Are They Really Single,’ and it’s fucking over men who have pasts to hide. The app can tell a girl if her suitor is married, has a criminal record, and even if he’s filed for bankruptcy. Blast!
Men, we have to stop these apps from becoming popular. The only reason she should be taking out her phone is take down my number, not to find out about those times I was arrested for smuggling coke.
The only way to defeat this is to build an app of my own. It’s called, “Are Her Titties Big Enough?” It uses the iPhone’s camera to snap a picture of her titties. The picture is sent to a command center of titty experts that will determine if they are banjungas or itty bitties. They will then return a 3 page report on whether you can get freaky with them.
This should balance the playing field… or get your iPhone broken.
[Via! — find out how the real apps work]
November 27, 2009 at 12:14 pm | iPhone | Comments
Obama’s Nuclear Wintour
Blue State Digital, the firm that made Obama go viral, is now lending its hand to Vogue. The firm will help Vogue with their key problem: implementing paid subscriptions on Vogue.com.
That’s right, Anna Wintour thinks the web is in fashion this year. And after looking around, it is fabulous! It’s daring, where ugh newspapers are such a hot mess right now. You don’t even know, darlings. Google and Twitter are fierce, and I’m lovin it! Come on, Keyboard Cat, let’s see you work that runway!
Sigh… I’ve exhausted my fashion speak for the month.
Now this brings up the question of whether Ms. Wintour will create history by having the first website where 80% of the pages are just ads.