“Bob loved me because he thought my testicles were removed too.”
Watched Fight Club on blu-ray tonight. I promptly called up some friends and we met up at a deserted local warehouse. All was well until I killed Michael and William. Sorry readers, Mike/William will not be tweeting or blogging from Gutenberg again. Cause they’re dead. They were beaten to a bloody pulp by yours truly.
“Nobody knows that they saw it but they did.…Nice big cock.” –Tyler Durden.
January 5, 2010 at 12:35 am | Uncategorized | Comments
How Home Alone 2 Should Have Ended…
The other day I was watching Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. For those of you who haven’t seen it, basically Kevin’s family are tools again and Kevin boards the wrong flight to New York as his parents fly to Florida. Well, long story short, Kevin defeats the dumb asses (Harry and Marv, who remind me alot of our very own Michael and William) and is aided by a friendly albeit homeless smelly old woman. The film’s closing scene is Kevin running out from his fancy, warm hotel room to give her a turtle dove trinket.
William and Michael try to kill Macaulay.
Now, as a kid you think, what a sweet little boy, giving her the gift of friendship in the form of a turtle dove. But now that I’m pushing 26, I realize this is the worst ending in any Xmas film. A turtle dove? Seriously writers? She’s fucking homeless!!! Give her some money or offer her a room in the fucking hotel for a week. The old woman’s reaction is even worse. “Oh Kevin!” She says it with such excitement. I find it hard to believe that a woman that lives in Central Park and reeks of pigeon shit would be excited about a trinket. Give that woman a foot-long meatball sub and sees how she reacts. Hell, give that woman a $100 bill and she would probably blow you. She gets excited over a trinket that will never aid her in her living in the wild. Ask Bear Grylls if he wants a trinket when he’s out in the freezing ass wild fighting bears and wild boars.
Do we really need a description?
Bottom line, the writers really screwed the pooch on this one. But in all fairness, it’s fun to think about that woman a week later. She’d be standing in the middle of the park freezing, smelling like ass, hungry and tired, and thinking, why the fuck didn’t he bring my any money or food? Watch the film again and decide what you would have given the old homeless woman. Merry Christmas — Eric
December 22, 2009 at 10:38 pm | Uncategorized | Comments
I Dream Of Princess Leia.…
So I was watching the newly re-mastered Return of the Jedi and some of those dark feelings crept up. You know what I’m talking about. For all those who have ever dreamed of doing very naughty things with Princess Leia.…well…our kinky dreams are better…and funnier…enjoy. I’ve gathered from our collective share of writers their most intimate and repulsive sexual fantasies of the Star Wars Princess.
1. William Crawford (The Socialist) -
Okay, I have this sexual fantasy that involves Princess Leia and Padme Amidala wrestling in a vat of tiramisu. Then I come in and.…
Yeah I asked William to stop at this point. I think you get the idea.
2. Stephanie Stuart (The Female) -
So Han solo walks in on me dressing, and he’s carrying an Ewok…
Yeah I’m cutting Stephanie off on that one too.
3. Michael Tobias (The Writer) -
The room is softly lit by my glow-in-the-dark condom as I pretend to use it as a light saber. Don’t be scared, Leia, it won’t burn. It’s just the cock that’s going to make you wetter than a Dagobah swamp. So, girl, turn on some jams cause I’m about to fire my proton torpedo into your exhaust port.
Wow, I should have stopped Mike. He probably made some reader take their panties off.
4. Eric Carroll (The Critic) -
So, Leia is standing there naked, I take out my green glow in the dark condom, shit! Mike already wrote that! Damn you!!!
So readers, now that we’ve gotten you all hot and bothered, tell us your sexual Leia fantasies.…
December 5, 2009 at 12:59 am | Uncategorized | Comments
Team Who Gives A Shit? How About Team Angst?
Last night I was blessed with the viewing pleasure of seeing Twilight New Moon. Of course I only went on the promise of “reward” from my significant other. No comment on the reward. As for the film, I struggled throughout, laughed mostly, and wanted to kill myself when I wasn’t laughing at how bad the film was. I laughed even harder when the women and two gay men in front of me were oohing and swooning. The two women who sat directly behind us chatted about how bad Avatar looks. Wow ladies, seriously? Those ladies would probably crucify me if they saw this. Well, here’s to you perverted 40-year old women Twilight fans. Read below to follow Bella in her journey and see what New Moon is all about.
1. I’m a teenager and I have angst!!! No Edward don’t leave me!!! Ahhhh!!!! ANGST!!!!!!!
2. Fuck you Santa I don’t want your presents cause I’m a angst filled teenage bitch!!!! Jacob love me! What Jacob? You can’t love me either? No! Angst!!!!
3. Fuck you Jacob for not letting me kill myself! What? Edward is going to kill himself? No! I must save him! Angst! Now both boys want me! I’m a fucking princess! Angst!
The basic idea of the film is that teenagers, human, werewolf, or vampire are nothing but angst bitches. And as a special treat here is what Kevin Smith thinks about the Twilight Franchise.
November 25, 2009 at 12:28 am | Uncategorized | Comments
The One Movie I Do Not Want To Review
So tonight is the night. The night I have been dreading for months. For all the guys who date women that read the disgustingly bad books called The Twilight Saga, you will share my pain. Tonight I will be forced to view New Moon. Your thoughts and sympathy would be so nice. I am promised that I will be “rewarded” so I shouldn’t bitch too much. But this movie could threaten the fabric of my being. It could make me not want my girlfriend ever again. What if I come out of the film, and want to be apart of Team Edward? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will resist this notion of turning gay for the hot vampires and werewolves. A review of the film will follow. Please keep me in your thoughts.
November 23, 2009 at 8:17 pm | Uncategorized | Comments
The Top 5 Hottest Ladies of Horror Films
For all the fans who have asked for it, here you go. I present to you the 5 hottest ladies in Horror. Gentlemen, start your boners.
1. Regan (Linda Blair) — The Exorcist
Please keep Roman Polanski away from her. Who doesn’t love projectile vomit? Seriously hot. And come on, the girl could dirty talk like no-body’s business. This is one girl you want to feed ice cream to.
2. Wendy Torrance (Shelly Duvall) — The Shining
Come on, you know you were totally drooling over this saucy minx. Why did Kubrick not go with a nude scene? Sadly we’ll never know. After seeing this one again recently, who needs Megan Fox-whore? Bring back Duvall. This is the girl next door right here, the one you pray to lose your virginity to.
And as a runner up, how about that hot-ass old woman in the bathtub?
Old Woman in Bathtub (Billie Gibson) — The Shining
Damn! One look at that ass and you’ll totally forget you just saw some hot, young, brunette European naked. One can tell that Nicholson was really struggling to act so disturbed by seeing the old woman naked. They obviously had some chemistry. I know this lady would be fun to skinny dip with.
3. Margaret White (Piper Laurie) — Carrie
Now personally, I had to pretend I wasn’t digging this Milf from the get-go. She yells a lot, she has the hottest Amish dress, and she throws people in closets. We all wish she would throw us in the closet too. This is obviously the mother you want to help you “study.” Of course your pants would be off.
4. Mrs. Baylock (Billie Whitelaw) — The Omen
Wow, I never had a nanny growing up, but if I could go back and pick one, Baylock would be my number 1. Damn that woman is hot. She has mind control, she pushes other bitches out of windows, and she’s not afraid to protect her baby from evil men. I wish she would protect me, while I’m naked. I wonder if she likes Italian food too? Nah, she would just be too perfect.
5. Mother (Norman Bates) — Psycho
You all saw this coming I’m sure. Men everywhere are going to be in denial after seeing this one. Who needs some old bat when you have the hot young man who can be your momma too. I seriously forgot Mother was a man at one point. Except for the part when Norman had a giant boner while watching Janet Leigh shower. Everyone loves a boy who can “role-play.”
November 16, 2009 at 10:50 pm | Rankings | Comments
Megan Fox is a .….
Dumb bitch. “When I do interviews, I say things that I think are hysterical.” — Fox.
November 13, 2009 at 8:17 pm | Uncategorized | Comments
The world needs Jedi’s now more than ever.…
After witnessing the trailer of The Men Who Stare At Goats, Mike and I continued to laugh for about 20 minutes or so. The idea of “Jedi Soldiers” would have been a passing thought if not for the moustache touting, ultimate monk soldier, George Clooney. Clooney has reached all kinds of bad-ass after portraying the first real life Jedi ever. There is no realistic way of critiquing Goats. I can only say that Mike and I were laughing our asses off throughout. Clooney’s portrayal of a modern day warrior monk, aka Jedi, is borderline Oscar worthy. Clooney was so bad-ass that I am making a top 5 list of the best Jedi’s ever. Of course, he is at the top for reasons listed below.
THE TOP 5 BEST JEDI’S EVER
1. Lyn Cassady (George Clooney)
Lyn Cassady may not have had a light-saber, but it’s because he has no need of one. Lyn can kill goats with his mind. Luke got his ass kicked by a giant robot version of James Earl Jones. You do the math.
2. Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill)
We all know that Luke was the best of the Star Wars series. His three movies were light years ahead of that douchey/annoying Ana-kin jackass. And he made out with his hot-ass sister. Which to some of you may be extremely awesome or disturbing. But one can agree that Leia was a sex goddess. So props Luke.
3. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness)
Obi-Wan was seriously the bee’s knees. Despite being old as shit, Guinness still kicked a whole lotta ass in A New Hope. And I think we can all agree that Guinness would kick McGregor’s ass anytime, anyplace.
4. Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson)
This is kind of a no-brainer. Jackson is one “bad-motherfucker.“Jackson had a purple light saber, and no one laughed at him for it. I’m pretty sure he murdered over a thousand people in Revenge of the Sith. That’s gotta be a record. But he died like a bitch. Just saying.
5. Yoda (Frank Oz)
Best Jedi to have a hand up their ass. Period. And he was fucking green. And tiny.
November 10, 2009 at 1:10 am | Reviews | Comments
Katie, show us your tits. (Paranormal Activity Trailer too…)
For those of you who haven’t seen Paranormal Activity, please disregard this post. For those of you who have, please enjoy my critique of the critique. As with many films that start out small and receive an extreme amount of buzz, the buzz will ware off at some point. Films like Paranormal Activity fulfill my theory that horror movies suffer from the idea of “buzz backlash” where in viewers hear over and over how scary the film is, go and see it, and are not frightened by it. This is the backlash itself. Make no mistake,
Paranormal is a good film, it’s creative and scary and has a lasting effect on most who see it. Moreover, for anyone who lives with a crazy girlfriend who talks and walks around in her sleep (my girlfriend Stephanie), Paranormal will thoroughly scare the shit out of you. Stephanie sat next to me and ended up crying by the end of it, normally one could call her a pussy for this, but this film is truly scary. But fuck all this critique bullshit. Let’s get to the serious stuff. Tits. Boobies. Big o titties. Seriously people, the one thing that sucks about Paranormal is that the lead actress, Katie Featherston (sex goddess), does not show her bodacious tatas. I mean those things are good. Really good. At one point in the film the couple joke about filming their sex scene using the camera that is supposed to be documenting the “ghostly activity.” I speak for the rest of the viewers who are pissed we didn’t get to see the fucking.
To the producers of Paranormal — you have a fucking R-rated movie!!!! Give us what we want. Titties!!! The demon in the film was probably some virgin Jew demon who was simply wanting Katie to take her top off. Hell, the entire story might have been avoided if she had taken her top off. Well, that might be a bad idea because the film would have just been an annoying couple bitching about a few strange occurrences in their house. But at least we would have had titties. All in all, Paranormal Activity is a bad ass film. I’m a horror film buff and I would strongly recommend it. The film was shot in a week, in a singular location. The handheld shot style and real life nature of the film makes the film more believable which in turn make the film more terrorizing. Paranormal gets a 4/5 tits ranking. That’s a pretty good ranking for having no visible titties.
