Gutenberg Lampoon » Bloo Rodriguez

Unbe-weave-able

So for those of you who don’t know, on the next sea­son of America’s Next Top Model, Tyra banks (the Ghetto empress of drag queen imper­son­ators) will not be wear­ing her trade­mark ‘lack of her own’ hair weave. They say it’s because she is going for the sim­ple french sophis­ti­cated look. Usu­ally I would be so proud of some­body reveal­ing the glo­ri­ous nappy roots of their ances­tors, with pride and dig­nity and sophis­ti­ca­tion, but let’s not for­get, We’re Talk­ing About Tyra Fuck­ing Banks!

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2010/02/tyra_wears_no_weaves_on_the_ne.html?mid=fashion-alert–20100218

GOING NATURAL WILL NOT MAKE YOU SOPHISTICATED!

That’s like going to McDon­alds and order­ing medium fries instead of large because you want to appear thin­ner. It’s still McDon­alds, that shit isn’t going to change.

Tyra, please stop try­ing to deny your ghetto(yes, I’m using ghetto as a noun). Bil­lions of teenage moth­ers who sneak food into movie the­atre, while talk­ing obnox­iously loud on their cell phones look up to you. Don’t let them down.

Hair Weave Kisses and Exten­sion Hugs

~Bloo

February 18, 2010 at 11:37 am | Uncategorized | Comments

Ways to keep a relationship over

So, for those who have not heard, a woman got plas­tic surgery to look like Jes­sica Alba so that she could get her man back. Jes­sica Alba is not happy with it. She says offi­cially that she wants peo­ple to be happy with who they are.

What­ever Jes­sica. If you were so happy with who you were you would claim your Latina her­itage puta! And you should be so glad any­one wants to be like you. You are not tal­ented, you’re only kind of pretty, and from what I’ve heard, you’re kind of a bitch. That fact that any­one even gives you any credit after Honey, says a lot. I’m just sayin, the only rea­son I saw it was because it was free.

And to Lit­tle Nelly Yuki, I don’t know you’re name but all I know is your asian, do you think your boy will come back for Jes­sica Alba? Because he won’t. find a bet­ter celebrity. How about Natalie Port­man, she’s sexy, classy, and not a cunt. Or what about Char­l­ize Ther­ron, or Eliza Dushku, or Alyssa Milano, or….if you’re into MILFs Phyli­cia Rashad. Or maybe just wait for some­one who actu­ally loves you. Maybe I’m crazy and I need to get surgery to look like George Clooney(talented and attrac­tive) to get back one of my ex’s and you are the right one, but it’s highly unlikely.

February 10, 2010 at 12:08 pm | Uncategorized | Comments

Happy Mother’s Day!

For those who don’t know, famous celebrity per­son­al­ity Heidi Mon­tag (I call her a celebrity per­son­al­ity, because I dont what the hell she does) has had sev­eral plas­tic surg­eries. I’m assum­ing boob,lipo and career, I don’t actu­ally know. she’s had.….…i think the total count was 10, and says she doesn’t have an addic­tion. yeah right! And Rosie O Don­nell doesn’t have an addic­tion to pizza and vagina.

Any­who, So Ms. Mon­tag decided that for Moth­ers Day she’s going to give the gift that keeps on giv­ing. Thats right, a brand new some­thing for her mother, who will here­after be ref­fered to as MOM­tag. So what do you think MOM­tag is gonna get? I bet its a vagi­nal lift, from hav­ing to shove out Heidi and Spencer Pratt. I know what you’re think­ing, ‘they aren’t brother and sis­ter’. They may not be, but i’m sure infant spencer snuck in their once so they could get their groove on, the way horny, slutty come­plete douche babies would.

So this next ques­tion goes to Heidi and MOMtag.….Does MOM­tag even deserve any form of a mother’s day gift? I’m just say­ing, she hasn’t seemed to have proven her­self a mother. She let Heidi go through life hav­ing abso­lutly no tal­ent, Prob­a­bly encour­aged her to fix her body (yet not her per­son­al­ity), and stand by while her daugh­ter screws one of the douch­i­est guys in the world. He’s even worse than Mika from Para­nor­mal Activ­ity.

In Con­clu­sion, the only thing MOM­tag deserves for Mother’s Day is a cou­ple of par­ent­ing book.and to answer your ques­tion MOM­tag, Sarah Palin’s and Lynn Spears’ book won’t suffice.

~Bloo

January 28, 2010 at 9:06 am | Uncategorized | Comments

Lies!

You know what I don’t like. Lies! Lies and the lieing liars who tell them. You want to know the biggest lie of all.……that Jimmy Fal­lon is funny. But the liars said he was funny, and his show stayed on the air. That slot could have gone to Conan or Leno caus­ing Conan to stay on the air, but it didn’t.….….because a whole bunch of peo­ple lied to Jimmy Fal­lon and the net­work say­ing he was funny watch­ing his show.

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

You are the rea­son Leno and Coco faught. The rea­son Coco got taken off the air. I Blame you.

Sin­cerly,

The kid who feels like his par­ent just divorced, and mom(leno) got cus­tody, even though he loves daddy more. 

p.s.

I still love The Roots. I don’t blame you guys for any­thing.

YOU’RE NOT FUNNY JIMMY FALLON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dis­claimer: The only fact this was based on, is the lack of comedic tal­ent on the part of Jimmy Fallon

January 27, 2010 at 6:39 pm | Uncategorized | Comments

Little Trouble in Big Prison

For the record, Gary Cole­man was found inno­cent of any domes­tic vio­lence. But if he ever is found guilty, Bloo has a let­ter ready for his wife.

Dear Mrs. Gary Coleman,

I hon­estly don’t know what to think of you. I can for­give you for mar­ry­ing Gary, because who knows, it may have actu­ally been love. But seri­ously? Come on, he’s like 1/3 your size, he’s not cute, and there’s only so many times you can here “what you talk­ing bout, honey?” Now I’ve heard about all of those domes­tic vio­lence charges. Seri­ously, I know you have to pan­der to a man’s ego some­times, but did you actu­ally let him beat you? And you had to let him; because there is no way he could have taken you down, even when he bites you in the calf.

So, I usu­ally don’t say this to women in your sit­u­a­tion, but…….Bitch it’s your own damn fault. Next time marry some­one you own height, and maybe some­one will have sym­pa­thy for you. Till then, I’ll tell your par­ents not to laugh too hard.

Sin­cerely,
Bloo

P.S.
I don’t think sell­ing his stuff on eBay will help you get that bail, unless it’s a pic­ture of him and Willis. I’d pay about $10 for it.

January 25, 2010 at 11:58 am | Uncategorized | Comments

The Fashion Nightmare Before Christmas

Hey Fash­ion­istas,

I’m back from my lit­tle Final Exam siesta to wish you a Merry Christ­mas and once more bring you a list of fash­ion dis­as­ters a mile long…

Now Christ­mas time may be a time for cheer and love, so make sure when you are shop­ping for some­one, you man­age to fina­gle them a present that wont get them laughed out of any respectable hol­i­day party. Lets talk about some presents that have tor­mented my past, present and hope­fully not future…

So this year for Christ­mas I got a pair of Pajama Pants, fair enough. They are warm, and com­fort­able, and I really do appre­ci­ate the thought,  but…they are designed to be a pair of grungy 90s, cobain style blue jeans. Now don’t get my wrong, I love those styles of jeans…but not on my pajama pants. The best thing about them is if I were asleep and a rapist snuck in my win­dow as soon as he saw those, he would be laugh­ing way too hard to rape me.

Another Christ­mas present I have received in the past, but hope­fully will not get this year is…a tacky Christ­mas sweater. First off, after you get one you can’t wear it for almost en entire year, because Christ­mas is over. Repeat: OVER! Its not like I can whip it out July 4th because the red and green doesn’t quite scream “National Pride”. Unless Rudolph the Red Nosed Coke Fiend…..I mean “rein­deer” founded Amer­ica, signed the con­sti­tu­tion, invented trick or treat­ing, and broke bread with the Indi­ans, I mean sav­ages, I mean….Native Amer­i­cans, that sweater is meant exclu­sively till after Thanksgiving.

Now, although this is no fash­ion faux pas, I would have to say it wins the award for the most incon­sid­er­ate Christ­mas present to date. I never thought some­one would give away a present that shows absolutely no con­sid­er­a­tion in the per­son they were gift­ing. What is thise hor­ri­ble present I wouldn’t wish on my most hated enemy…

Tube Socks.

No witty quips. No funny obser­va­tions. Any­one who gives tube socks deserves to be slapped!

That’s all for now my beau­ti­ful people.

Have a Prada Christ­mas, and a Gucci New Year
~Bloo

P.S. if your look­ing for cute clothes, wait till the day after New Years. High end stores are get­ting rid of their win­ter lines at reallu good prices. French Con­nec­tion here I come!

December 25, 2009 at 2:35 pm | Uncategorized | Comments

Holiday Fashion Fuck Ups!

So as win­ter approaches i’ve been notic­ing some things that sim­ply dis­turb me. Cloth­ing that is either inap­pro­pri­ate, or just plain tacky. Here’s a short list of what this bitches need to stop doing, pronto…

1)Wear­ing Flip Flops in win­ter- First off i don’t want to see your feet in the first place, thats gross. espe­cially for some of you Podi­atri­cally chal­lenged peo­ple, who don’t ever seem to real­ize you need pedi­cures. Its excus­able in the sum­mer, because it’s not and your foot needs to breath, and even then its gross to look at. But now there is no fuck­ing point in now wear­ing socks and shoes. I don’t know if you got the memo, but the 60s are over, and the hip­pies didn’t win. So either put on your shoes, or have fun with the pnemonia.

2) The col­ors red and green- Oh red and green. Once upon a time, maybe you worked together well. Once upon a time you didn’t bring up sick­en­ing images of tacky sweaters and unnec­es­sary dec­o­rat­ing. Once upon a time, fat peo­ple could wear you with­out being though of a giant Christ­mas trees. Once upon a time was a long fuck­ing time ago. Now, you are as nau­se­at­ing at that fruit­cake you mother makes every year.….….….…that nobody seems to like.

3) and finally.….….Dogs in win­ter sweaters- Seri­ously? What the Fuck! Okay I get it, you don’t have kids, or maybe you don’t have kids you like, but stop act­ing out your need to baby some­one on your dogs. Guess what? Dogs don’t care. They don’t know from an old soup bone and the new expen­sive toy bone you just bought for them. Why? Because they are dogs. Dogs are not chil­dren! Even worse, why are you dress­ing up your dogs. You are wast­ing good money to have your dog look like a jack­ass. Some would argue that their dogs are cold…a) dogs are built with their own clothes sewn into them, its called fur, b) keep your fuck­ing dogs inside where its warm instead of parad­ing them about town for peo­ple to judge your loneliness/desperation based on the amount of accou­trement you lav­ish on you pooch. And lets for a sec­ond, con­cede to the notion that you do love your dog and it loves you back…why then are you mak­ing it suf­fer both embar­rass­ment as well as being uncom­fort­able. They don’t like being dressed up, and they want you to stop it just as much as I do!

Thats it… okay thats not it. this has noth­ing to do with win­ter but.….….….….….…

Ed Hardy Tshirts are the tack­i­est fuck­ing piece of cloth­ing i have seen for a while. I would rather wear acid washed jeans, Kelly Kapowski bangs, and swatch watches with mis­matched wrist bands at the same time then a fuck­ing Ed Hardy t shirt. You can spot a Chach a mile away by his ed hardy T Shirt…that and his spray tan, spiked hair, and gaudy gold jew­elry. Thats my rant. here’s hop­ing for some Gucci under the tree.

Fendi Kisses and Prada Hugs

~Bloo

November 25, 2009 at 11:18 am | Uncategorized | Comments

A Burning Hot Trend!

With Propo­si­tion 8 suc­cess­fully passed in Cal­i­for­nia, and Abor­tion soon to be on its way out the Con­ser­v­a­tive right is hav­ing a vir­tual field day in the world of pol­i­tics. They are in the con­tem­po­rary world fight­ing against con­tem­po­rary issues, such as gay mar­riage and “negro ter­ror­ists” in the White House. Yet, despite fight­ing for “our right to bare arms” by loos­en­ing the gun laws, or “sup­port­ing our troops” by start­ing wars in any anti Amer­i­can coun­tries, the con­ser­v­a­tive right has decided to go back to a fight they aban­doned long ago. Witch Burnings.

Yes you heard that cor­rectly. Witch burn­ings are back in style. It all started with a small town church in Alabama, which is now being praised for their genius. The Saved Through Faith Union, brought back this retro fad when they found a witch liv­ing in their own com­mu­nity. Lyle Buck­er­ton, youth min­is­ter of the STFU said he first noticed a prob­lem in Sep­tem­ber with one par­tic­u­lar mem­ber of his youth con­gre­ga­tion. Her name was Nancy Gin­gerly and she is the first doc­u­mented witch burn­ing in over 200 years. Buck­er­ton states, “at first she stopped com­ing to meet­ings, and then she dyed her hair black, which we all know is the color of the devil and ter­ror­ists, and to make things worse, some of the other kids in the STFU were say­ing she may be a…a les­bian. So of course she was a witch and as the Bible says ‘though shalt not suf­fer a witch to live.’ So I orga­nized the first witch burn­ing. It was a big even. Every­one in the town came, and my wife Beu­lah even brought marshmallows.”

With the STFU hit­ting high and heavy with their swift jus­tice for witches, other com­mu­ni­ties in the coun­try have joined as well. “ we’ve found witches in our com­mu­nity as well. My neigh­bor, Gladys was a witch. She was 35, unmar­ried, and her grass was way to green to be nat­ural. I have the feel­ing she invoked the devil, so I got my church together and we burned her” says Martha Jinkis from Clad­well, GA.

“Witch burn­ings are totes the rage this year,” exclaims Jenny DuBois of the Faith­ful Minors League. “The FML teaches other young per­sons, like me and my sib­lings that witches can’t be tol­er­ated in our good god fear­ing com­mu­ni­ties. And WBs are totes the new place to meet peo­ple with the same val­ues I have. That’s where I met my boyfriend Tom. Thank you FML.”

With T-shirts sur­fac­ing bran­dish­ing the logo “WB’s are the new Prop 8” and logos on cloth­ing show­ing lit­tle witch hats, being burn­ing it seems that despite the celebrity out­pour against them, Witch burn­ings are aren’t going any­where for a while. Besides, who isn’t sick of hear­ing Alec Bald­win by now?

Fendi kisses and Prada Hugs

~Bloo

November 19, 2009 at 11:37 am | Uncategorized | Comments

Not Hot: Camel Toe in Tow

Hello Read­ers,

So this week i have decided i am going to reg­u­larly add a new type of arti­cle to my columns. It’s like a hot or not, only there’s noth­ing hot. It’s just not.

So i See Fash­ion Faux Pas on a daily basis, thats expected with such fash­ion dis­abled peo­ple liv­ing in the world. after all some­one had to invent the Piano Key Neck­tie right? so what did i see that just appalled me, that left me shocked and mor­ti­fied. I saw two things mixed together that every gay man should avoid, a Vagina and tights as pants.

Thats right, the dreaded CAMEL TOE!

The Camel Toe, for those who do not know, it when a girl wear­ing tights or some form of plyable tight pants, gets a frontal wedgie, when there’s bad things in her good girl, when some of the seabed gets caught in the clam.

Now, this is not cute at all. In fact it will drive het­ero men to find you vag very dis­taste­ful. So please, avoid pants that gets snagged in you snatch and should that hap­pen, please floss your beaver of all mate­r­ial and do it in pub­lic. Nobody wants to see you grab at your hooh hah! So remem­ber, Camel Toes do not equal style, so rethink those span­dex shorts before you walk outside.

As always Fendi Kisses and Prada Hugs

~Bloo

P.S. here’s a lit­tle video, just to hit it home

November 13, 2009 at 4:18 pm | Uncategorized | Comments

Some dead things just can’t come back to life…

There’s a com­mon say­ing going around in cir­cles of young adults, “On MySpace you lurk, on Face­book you creep, and on Twit­ter you stalk.” But my real question…who still uses MySpace? Talk about a Social Net­work of the past. I’m just sayin’, if you’re going to use MySpace, you may as well whip out your slap bracelets and whip out your pagers. You know it’s dead, when even the pedophiles have moved on.

Fendi Kisses and Prada Hugs,
~Bloo

November 8, 2009 at 11:11 pm | Uncategorized | Comments

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