Adapted from Photo by Flickr User lampeduza

I have an idea that’s going to make us very rich. Have you ever breathed in polluted air and thought, “gee, I wish there were a large conglomerate that could privatize air!” Well, mister/misses, that large conglomerate could be us!

When I look at people walking around, I don’t see family members or contributors to society. I see large, green dollar signs above their heads. Yes, like a pioneer who discovered that first piece of gold in the California mountains, I see a source ready for us to mine.

The plan is simple. We just need to vacuum in a bunch of air into oxygen tanks with pictures of mountains and clouds slapped on them. Then we’ll fund a multi-million dollar marketing campaign to imply that normal oxygen is bad for your health. We’ll use real good stuff like TV spots with a serious-sounding announcer, “How can you let your children breathe away their futures?” Or like we’ll show hot ladies with big tits breathing in and out our air to the point of having orgasms.

Meanwhile, the real kicker is that the local governments won’t have enough money to dispute our marketing! Come on. You know you owe me a high five for that shit. They can’t do anything!

So what are we waiting for? Let’s package up some air, and let’s start making bajillions until the factories and 18-wheelers that build and ship our products actually do pollute the air. (Don’t worry, we’ll be dead by the time it gets too serious.)