We all know that life on a cooperative farm can be difficult some days, especially when that basic human instinct to look out for one’s self and one’s own kicks back in.  But there are some simple things you can do to keep your sense of ME and still maintain a healthy commune.  Now brothers and sisters, I have spoken with you all before about the importance of keeping the commune tight and making sure that everyone is doing their part to ensure the success and safety of the entire community.  However, in all this looking out for everyone else, it can be easy to forget about who is really important, yourself.  Let’s be honest for a minute…while living on a cooperative farm is for the greater good, you ultimately made the decision because it was the best thing for you as an individual, so why shouldn’t you be concerned with your own well-fare from time to time.  The answer is simple: you have to be selfish sometimes in order for the farm to flourish.  Let’s face it, without you in good spirits who else is going to make sure that everything goes smoothly and everyone is staying on task?  Are you really going to rely on Martha Smith or Tom Clavendish?  Martha is a woman and Tom can’t tell the difference between Aspen and Alpin corn…geez what an idiot.  The point is you know that you are the only one who can be trusted to take care of the others.  And a good leader needs to keep himself looked after.  So go ahead, grab a cup of coffee, spike it with some good whiskey, kick off your shoes and listen up for a bit, because if you are living on the cooperative farm are male and can actually read this, these tips are definitely for you!
Keeping an Eye on yours:

Perhaps the most important thing to remember on any co-operative farm or commune is that in the end the most important people are your family.  That is right, and as the man of course it is your job to look  after and protect them from everyone else.  Now I know that some of you may be asking who all is actually a part of your family.  Well I am speaking of course about the ones who share a house with you and share the blood from you and your current wife.  Anyone else is just another neighbor or member of the community.  That of course means for some of you in the smaller communes that you might have to make a choice as to whether you really want to claim that child you formed with Mary Simms while your wife had the flu as your own or whether you consider the offspring of your first wife still kin to you.  If you haven’t already, you need to make some sort of roster of everyone you want to claim as your own.  Now there are pluses and minuses of course to having a lot of family.  Of course the plus is that you will have those people to carry on your strong blood when you die and that also means that many more hands around the house to work, and should there be an uprising or civil revolt…a larger militia; but of course, the more you claim the more you are responsible for, so think wisely about who you put onto that roster and make sure that they can guarantee something in return to you. 

Once you have the roster you have to make sure that you are looking out for them.  Keep them away from the dangerous jobs that might mean the loss of limbs or even their life, it is just too much to have to worry about, and you don’t have time for that.  With this in mind you may also want to ensure that they have better hours for working outside as to avoid illness and heat stroke.  Because the rest of the farm is too dense to understand these things you should have no trouble organizing the best schedule of labor for you and yours.  

Now when thinking about the young ones, try to keep in mind that as they get older and start reaching puberty they are going to start attracting the other members of the opposite sex.  It is your job as the patriarch to ensure that both the males and the females you have claimed get hitched with the best and most lucrative mates.  They may cry and complain about love or even about the fact that so and so is their first cousin, but you must remain resolute in your decisions, you are the master, remember that!

Liquor Rationing:

One of the most important tools to aid in maintaining your sanity and your spirits is of course the liquor.  Be it whiskey, vodka, bourban…or something whipped up in the tub…never underestimate the importance of this miracle juice.  It is also important that you make sure you ration it wisely and keep all the good stuff for yourself.  Also try to build up your tolerance so that in drinking competitions, you can hold your liquor and get people to agree to things when they are more susceptible to suggestion.  Also remember that alcohol can be power, keep it hidden and keep it safe.
ME time:

Above all else you must find the “ME TIME” within your every day routines.  This means that if at any point you start to feel the stresses of the day just bearing down on you too hard, stop what you are doing and pronounce, “I am taking some ME time.”  Then walk away to a shady place or anywhere you feel most comfortable and at ease, kick back with a blade of wheat in your mouth and relax.  No matter what happens, you cannot let others interrupt these sacred moments in your days (of which you may need at least 20).  Your fellow man needs to understand how hard you work for the good of everyone and they need to respect your personal and private needs and space.  Do not ever sacrifice yourself to be harassed and hassled by the lesser beings you work with, know your rightful place and don’t let them tell you otherwise.

The Perks:

When you have achieved all these and found your own secrets to mastering your own success you may start to notice certain perks that will come your way.  People will inevitably start to respect you more and this of course means the ladies…of all ages…go ahead take your pick.  Living in a small farm community such as this has its advantageous sometimes in that women are all around you all the time, and as the dominant male in this community you of course have the rights to any of the women you want whenever you want.  Billy Bob’s girl who just turned 18…she has been eyeing you for a while.  And do not worry this is just part of what comes from living this sort of life, your family is ok with it, hell your wife is secretly hoping you will get her involved in at as well, she just doesn’t want to say anything.  Go ahead enjoy yourself, you are number one and you are special, remember that!  This of course goes for any other property in the community.  Remember that everyone is in this together so everything is to be shared, that means if you want something that resides in “someone else’s house” you must know that it is your house as well.  Of course should any of the lesser citizens try to take advantage of this and come into your home without permission, that shot gun above the mantle must be loaded (you have been doing your target practice, I assume), aim for the knee caps, that will always show them who is boss.
These of course are just a few things I have learned throughout the years and began to apply to my own life within the farming world.  And every day I find myself more and more happy with the productivity of my companions and my own life.  Remember we are fighting here for the future of all of us and for the rights of the individual…you and me in particular, a revolution is upon the farming business and we must be at the forefront brothers…so raise your glasses or  jugs or mugs and salute yourself, because you are the future and the world needs you!