Dear Stephanie,
My name is Betty Lou. I am an 18 year old girl who lives on a farm. I am purty shut out from city life and can’t always give my face a real good scrubbin to make it shine like a hog’s behind. What should I do to get a purty glow?

-Betty Lou, What you need to get on your face is some kind of mud, you know, gurl? Yeah, I’m saying get yo ass out with them hogs, grab some mud and wipe it all over that hoe face. Wait for it to dry and really smell like shit and then scrub it off. Your face might smell like shit, but at least it won’t look like it.

Dear Stephanie,
My name is Lila May, and I am havin’ some trouble. There’s a boy I like down yonder at the next farm, and I don’t know what to do. He’s real cute, but how can I get him to look my way?

-Lila, gurl what you need to do is get out of them rags and get yo’self? a guy dawg to flaunt round him. If this boy is really all dat, he will notice you fo real real. He won’t want to live without your sexy um… um… well you get the point, you know? Just turn on your swag and he’ll come running.

Dear Stephanie,
My name is Ellie, and I’m really into this older man. My papa done told me to call him Uncle Frank, and I have since I was just a dumplin’, but now I got these urges when I see him and I don’t know what to do!

-Ellie… I’m not touching that with a 90 foot pole cause dat shit is whizzle. Ok Ok, if I have to tell you something, then get your ass down to Planned Parenthood and get yourself on the birth control. And while you’re at it, pick up some of those condoms for Free ninety-nine. Ooh and make sure you get some brochures about masturbation, incest, gonorrhea and what all that shit can do to you. Yeah girl, um, good luck with that….